背妻偷食

　　我想不到有任何事比妻子突然發現自己的丈夫有外遇更恐怖。憤怒、悲苦、頭痛欲裂的感覺通通湧現。沒有女人定要經歷這種事，亦沒有男人可向他曾發誓會深愛此生的女子施加這種切膚之痛。

　　雖沒有藉口，但一次的外遇不代表婚姻的終結。與其沖著要簽字離婚，可先考慮按以下3個步驟處理事件。

冷靜下來

　　出走數天冷靜下來，及在有任何激烈行動前先能好好深思。最好能花點時間獨處。假若妳想找人陪伴，選擇一個合適的友伴是非常重要的。千萬不要因友伴的意見懷疑自己的判斷，偏移自己的想法，影響自己的決定。你較她們更清楚事實。當她們沒有任何損失，而妳則需付出所有時，強要自己與她們站在同一陣線上是個危險的做法。

自我反思

　　不忠是結果而非理由，問自己為甚麼老公會這樣做？偏低的道德標準是一些男人的出軌原因，過分軟弱也令他們難以抗拒眼前的誘惑。但大部份男人在步入教堂前並不打算欺騙妻子。比起道德標準，要他們多花心神是更主要的拒絕原因，基本上，男人有惰性，這種要他們多傷腦筋的工作他們寧願不做。他們更享受一手握電視搖控，一手握啤酒躺在沙發上……膳食、衣物、性生活已自動按慣常軌道運行，已有夫復何求的生活，又何必自擾？

　　因為要費心費力的秘密行動，搞外遇的人常感到力盡筋疲。而且「黃蜂尾後針，最毒婦人心。」被捉痛腳的代價非常高。那出軌的男人在想甚麼？他沒多想，只是做了。最常見的出軌原因是他在家得不到快樂。感到詫異？線索根本一直隱隱若現，只是妳忙得沒暇理會。要深深的自我反思，才能尋獲只有妳一人知道的答案。

為重整人生制定策略

　　倘若妳非常希望重建這段婚姻關係，就要先放下怨恨，並跟他以平常、冷靜、確實的方式對話。

　　1. 他要答應與第三者結束關係。

　　2. 與他相討若第三者不願意離開應如何處理。

　　3. 除非你們的小孩已長大成人，否則不要讓他們捲入事件當中。分擔悲傷予孩子不是義務，這樣做只會讓孩子缺乏安全感及感到痛苦。

　　4. 不要分化孩子跟父親的關係。不忠的丈夫不代表是個不稱職的父親。別要孩子與妳一同承受情傷。

　　5. 如果妳想與第三者見面，要先問自己究竟想從見面中達到甚麼？假若妳需要強迫自己編個藉口見面，或妳只想對著她發一頓脾氣，這種像個傻子般的角色還是別演。

　　6. 假若她是你們的共同朋友，她雖然背叛妳，但她一直對妳的事情毫不知情，一直偷偷隱瞞的人是你的丈夫。集中火力於這個第三者上就是誤對槍頭，更會將醜事傳千里。

　　7. 若果妳決定要與她見面，可找一個令你感到自在的地方相見，並找個人陪妳冷靜面對。見面時，非要去侮辱她、怨恨她，而是要保持冷靜、表現修養。以尊重的方式盡訴妳要說的話。

　　8. 與丈夫打開心窗好好討論，找出令他不快的原因，及重整婚姻關係後的好結果。需要時可尋求顧問從中協調。

　　懂得原諒很難，要自我反思，遍尋答案更難，但這些終會過去，更是妳有能力做到及將會做到的事。記著一切他所做對的事愛著他，不要以一件錯事完全否定他。恰當的處理能令夫妻關係更堅穩，二人從事件中一同成長，更能順利執手渡過往後的人生旅途。

Your Husband Has An Affair  !!

　　I cannot think of anything more devastating for a woman than the sudden discovery that her husband is having an affair  ! The anger,  bitterness,  heartache… No woman should have to go through that and no man has the right to inflict such toe curling pain on the woman he had sworn to love for all eternity.

　　There is no excuse, but an affair does not have to mean the end of a marriage. Instead of rushing off to see a divorce lawyer, I suggest to handle the situation in 3 steps:

Cooling Off

　　Go away for a few days to cool off and do some serious thinking first before you do  anything drastic. Being alone would be best, if you need company, picking the right companion is crucial. Do not let the other person’s opinion cloud your judgment, bias your thoughts or influence your decision. You know the truth better than she does. Solidarity is a dangerous thing when she has nothing to lose and you have everything to lose.

Do Some Soul Searching

　　Infidelity is a result and not a reason, ask yourself why he did what he did ? Some men stray because they have low moral standards, too weak to resist temptation. But most men don’t go into a marriage planning how to cheat on their wives. The key disincentive is more effort than moral, men are basically lazy, they’d rather not because it’s too much work. He so enjoys spreading himself across the couch with TV remote in one hand, beer in another… his meals, laundry, sex life all running on autopilot… life doesn’t get better than that, so why bother?

　　Philander¬ing requires colossal effort, and  covert action is draining. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” The price of getting caught is high. So what was he thinking? He didn’t think; that’s just it. The most common reason for his escapade is that he was not happy at home. Surprised? The telltale signs have been there all along, only you have probably been too busy to notice. Do some deep soul searching, because only you know the answers.

Work out a strategy to rebuild your life

　　If you really want to rebuild your marriage, file away your venom and speak to him normally, calmly, factually.

　　1) He has to promise ending his relationship with the other woman.

　　2)  Discuss how to deal with potential threats from her in the event she refuses to leave your husband.

　　3)  Unless they are adults, keep the children out of this. Do not feel obligated to “share” your grief, it only makes them feel insecure & miserable.

　　4) Do not alienate your children from your husband. Having an affair does not make him a wicked father. Do not burden your children with your own emotional pains.

　　5) If you want to meet her, ask yourself what you want to achieve?  If your excuses are arbitrary or you just want to throw a tantrum, stop making a fool of yourself.

　　6)  If she is a friend of yours, she has betrayed you, but if she doesn’t even know you, it is your husband who has betrayed you - shooting your rage in the wrong direction is just washing dirty linen in public !

　　7) If you meet her, find a neutral place, and take a third party to calm you down. No name calling, no venom, stay calm and civilized. Say what you have to say with dignity.

　　8) Discuss openly with your husband what made him unhappy, how best to restructure your own marriage, Seek counseling if necessary.

　　Forgiving is hard and soul-searching is even harder, but this too will pass, you can do this and you will. Continue to love him for all the things he has done right rather than to annihilate him for the one thing he has done wrong. Handled properly, this will make your marriage stronger, and grow you two together for smoother sails ahead !